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Xxx

Feeling positive.

So recently, J and I have become a lot more focused on remaining optimistic and happy, really trying to put good positive energy into everything that we do. J has always been better at this than I am, I have a slight tendency to always focus on the negative but recently it's become easy to work things in the other direction. Life has taken such a huge turn for the better and for the first time in a number of months, I feel extremely optimistic about life in general and what our future holds. Our trip back to the UK was a real turning point for me. I was feeling fed up and frustrated when we returned to England and I was looking forward to my home country providing me with some real comfort and reassurance. This did not happen. Instead I felt like an alien in a foreign land. Previously I had always liked that when I went home my accent would blend in, that I was part of the single mind that is 'being british' and it felt good to be a part of that. I love being british and had always loved returning home and feeling like I was back with 'my people'. Sounds a little trite but I guess I'm just the kind of person that likes to fit in...or at least I used to be!

I just didn't miss it, the UK I mean, I felt completely different. I was genuinely expecting to return to the UK and not want to come back to Canada but that was not the case. I found the people very reserved, often to the point of being rude and in London this experience was 10 times worse. People were quite ignorant to what was going on around them and actively avoided interacting with people around them, yet I have never been shoved and knocked so many times in so few hours. Often people didn't even apologize or turn to acknowledge what they had done, more often than not they didn't even seem to realize they had done it. I'm pretty certain that should still be considered rude right?! I missed Vancouver and I missed the people in it. I missed people smiling at one another and saying hello when you pass someone in the corridor. I missed the amazing scenery and complimenting weather. I missed the people here that I have learnt to share my life with. I may not have made the strong, solid friendships here that I have in the UK yet but that's cool. My friends in the UK matter and will remain important to me for the rest of my life but they got to know me and learnt to love me when I was a very different person to who I am now. I actually think the distance strengthens the friendships as it means people don't have to work too hard at adjusting to the different me. I can go back and tone down my psychedelic, free love, share the wealth, pacifist hippy side and be a more relaxed version of the old me. Don't take myself too seriously but don't storm in their with my philosophical bulldozer and start tearing down the walls that hold together my friends worlds. Possessions, mortgages, pensions, wealth, security etc may not matter that much to me but they do to the people I care about so I can't be too loud and proud right now. This is the right city for us to be in right now, it's making me a better, stronger, happier person and as a couple we just keep getting better, that can only be a good thing.

This new house is awesome. I was concerned (am still am a little) that's it's too much space for the two of us but we have agreed that we wont waste it and that we will utilize it to have parties and invite friends over. The space also makes the baby bell jingle a little louder inside my head but have agreed that we're not quite there just yet, the reality is that I still don't feel grown up enough to be a Mother. Mylo seems very happy here and clearly appreciates having more room to explore. The area is beautiful. We can see the mountains on one side and Coquitlam River Park is immediately opposite. The road is quiet, you can hear the water running down the river and birdsong throughout the day. It's convenient to get to work and five minutes drive from a major town centre. I feel so happy here. There is a garden for Mylo to have a mess around in and a ready made flower garden around the side which we are going to grow vegetables in as well as pulling out all the weeds in the corner and turning it into a flower bed. I will post pictures soon as it will be good to have a record of some before and after shots. Neither of us have even the slightest idea about gardening but J's close friend in the UK runs his own landscape gardening company to I guess we'll be picking his brains over the next few weeks!! The house is quirky as hell and that just makes us both love it more. We've been out today and bought a new shower head so that we now have an awesome 'raincloud' shower - winner!! Dog is back home, the sun is shining, I'm heading out tonight and heading into work tomorrow evening to cuddle some babies. J's business is going well and the two of us as a couple are more solid, focussed, open and in love than we have ever been. I share my life with many wonderful people that *all* matter to me. I've married into an awesome family and whilst my family may not be exactly what I want them to be, they without a doubt matter to me very much as I do to them. My Mum especially can drive me *crazy* at points but I'm learning to let her slightly bizarre madness make me smile. she's not going to change so I'm going to have to get better at just rolling with it a little more. She's coming out for two weeks in July which J is dreading. I'm hopeful that between the two of us we can make it work. My plan of attack is to have lots of activities planned but we'll just have to see how it goes...watch this space ;o)

So all in all, after a hard few weeks I'm feeling pretty good. Vancouver has proved itself really well to me and I feel certain this is the right place for us for now. I have all kinds of projects in my head that I want to start. I'm determined to get better at baking, I want to at least try and be a little more crafty, I want to start kick boxing, I want to go camping in the north of BC, I want to keep playing with sex and discovering my sexuality, I want to prepare my body physically and mentally for pregnancy, ease up on the late nights and improve my diet and hydration...we'll see. Hopefully not all pie in the sky but you just never know with me. Something can mean the world to me and sometimes I just can't quite seem to make it happen. Lets see if this new attitude makes a difference... :o)

A very happy lady :o)

So we signed the contract, paid our deposit and got the keys for our new place today. We move tomorrow. The movers are booked for 10am tomorrow and we are confident that we can have all our belongings in Coquitlam by the middle of the afternoon. We even got away with not having to pay a severe pet deposit and there is no clause in the contract stating we can only have one pet so I'm hoping to start looking for puppies fairly soon as a surprise for the boy. We've wanted to get a playmate for Mylo for a long time, and now that we finally have the space and a landlord that will allow it, we can finally go ahead - yay!! We get to go and pick up pup tomorrow evening. We've not seen him for three weeks now and we have missed him like crazy. Mylo and J are especially close and I know J missed him mega masses, so I'll have two happy, contented boys in bed with me tomorrow night.

I am tragically excited by the prospect of sleeping in my own bed tomorrow night. It's been over a month, and as a shift worker and a sleep-o-holic my bed is one of my favoritest places in the world. It's where sleep and sex happen, often one after the other. What can there be to criticise about that set up, as there's only one thing I love more than sleep ;o) ...ok, maybe more than one thing but you know what I mean. I'm working a night shift right now so the prospect of climbing into my own bed tomorrow super tired and relaxed is absolute bliss. Plus the prospect of not having to live out of suitcases and handwash the 5 pairs of underwear that I took back to the UK every few nights, or using hotel towels which seem determined to be rough as a badgers arse and *small* is extremely appealing. My body wrapped in a white towel that doesn't quite cover everything...definately a look I can live without ;o)

More than anything else right now I just feel happy and grateful. I am so ridiculously blessed. My world is filled with people that I love. We've had amazing support from family through this, especially J's parents. As far as I'm concerned, whatever the whole West Vancouver experience ends up costing us is irrelevant, we dodged a huge feisty blonde bullet and I'm just pleased she showed her true colours as quickly as she did. We have found a home that is far more suitable, and where I think we will be very happy. There is room for us to flex all our various kink muscles and set up all kinds of different play space and create different moods. It's going to allow us to entertain and have parties, as well as creating the opportunity for us both to have our own spaces to make our mark on. I feel extremely lucky that after a rough few weeks, everything is falling into place so well.

To anyone that's listened to my moaning and griping over the past few weeks, I thank you. I know I've not always been a treat to be around and that at points I've been short or snappish or just in a general bad mood. I know my blog posts have been more dull, moody and just more beneign than usual but if nothing else it's provided me a forum to occasionally vent and rant. You've all stuck with me and given me the space to sulk and stomp at times without allowing me the opportunity to wallow or become meladramatic. You've all helped me keep my emotions in line and remain focused on the main goal of finding a new place to live. With all the help, support, love and kidness we've received we have managed to wrap this whole thing up in under a month. Granted, it's looking like the West Vancouver landlord may well pursue court action but I'm honestly not concerned. What will be, will be. I'm holding onto my faith in Karma with both hands and waiting to see what comes our way. For now it's big smiles all round.

Love you xxx :o) xxx

Passions

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans flames.
Francois de la rochefouca

Fingers Crossed

Subject to references we've found a new place. We meet the new landlord on Tuesday to sign contracts and get the keys. We've got four more nights in a hotel sorted (with a hot tub, that makes me *smile*) then we can move in on Wednesday. I am back in work tomorrow so hopefully I can get rid of my shift on Wednesday night and help the boy move all our things from storage in West Vancouver. I'm not going to claim it's been the easiest few weeks but it makes me realise how good we are together and how strong we are as a couple. We've stood by one another and got through a tricky time as a team, continuously laughing and smiling. I'm extremely proud of us, and think we deserved a little bit of good karma to come our way. Thanks again you-know-verse. As always, I'm eternally grateful :o)

It's finally here!

So the big day has finally arrived. J is off having breakfast with all the other groomsmen before getting ready at his brothers house. He left with his dad at 10am and I am just milling around the hotel room twiddling my thumbs. It's weird how lonely I feel. I'm just so used to being around people all the time, especially J, I miss him already and miss my puppy too. A room without a dog just doesn't feel right. Hope he's doing ok back 'home' ;o)

I moan pretty regularly about not having any time to myself to do my own thing and now that I have it, I don't know what to do! No decent internet access doesn't really help. Laptops and ipads become glorified paper weights without the internet!! I've had my shower and am sat at the desk in my towel putting off the next stage of the proceedings (make-up and hair). I've never been a very girlie girl, so I have always been pretty lazy with both of these aspects of my daily routine and look i.e. I wear my hair tied back and I don't wear make-up. I'm just not very good at the whole beauty routine. Fingers crossed I don't turn up looking like a circus clown!

OK's I'd better go and see what I can do....wish me luck :o)

Emotional roller coaster

I'm realizing more and more that I don't have very much patience. I'm not sure weather this is something that is getting worse as I get older (quite possibly) or if this has always been the case but what I know for certain is that you really don't have long with me to make a good impression. People tend to have to work very hard to un-do a poor first impression, music generally has about 10 seconds before I skip to the next track, TV and Movies will get 15-30 minutes depending on just how lame they are but unless you've really grabbed my attention in some way...skip...move on. I fully appreciate that this sounds obscenely harsh and that I may well be missing out on worthwhile experiences and relationships but I appear to be willing to take the risk. I try really hard to keep it under wraps and be more moderate but that just isn't me. I know this side of me frustrates J immensely as he is one of the most even tempered people I know, but the more I try and keep it under control, the more infuriated I seem to get. I wish I was a bit more fair and moderate but it just doesn't seem to be the way my head works. I guess it's one side of me that's a little more stereotypically female.

The combination of being a more selfish person as well as a more emotional person is not really serving me well. To be totally honest I don't really see myself as a particularly selfish person, in fact generally I tend to think of others a little more but I'm married to a ridiculously selfless man who continuously thinks of others before himself, even in the most stressful and trialing situations for himself. So whilst I may not be selfish, I am, without doubt the most selfish person within our relationship and at times this can be really quite a tricky situation, and leaves me always fighting from a position that's much more 'all about me' and much less about others, which at times makes me feel pretty shitty. When my personal circumstances are more difficult, my ability to put others first massively depletes and to be honest I think this is acceptable. I don't believe I ask for special treatment or to be treated differently by other people but they will receive a lower level of attention, time and commitment from me whilst my mind and emotions are focused a little on my own problems. Will I still help you? Absolutely. Will you get the levels of time and attention that you normally would? Probably not, and if you push for more from me then I'm gonna be on a short fuse which is just not pleasant for anyone concerned.

As I said above, this current climate is just not serving me well. I feel pressured at times to be more selfless than is in my nature. Would it be nicer if I was more able to put others first, whatever my circumstances? Of course. But I guess the reality is that I'm just not quite as easy going as I like to think I am. I have a tendency to back myself into tricky corners, agreeing to do things that I'm not really able to commit to at that point in time. Within no time it can be too late and my time and attention is required in a project that I just don't want to be a big part of, resulting in my mood (when I'm in an environment where I feel free to fully vent) being moody and stroppy, leaving J feeling like he's riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster with me. I am not in any way, shape or form blaming him. I need to be better and stronger at saying no or at least limiting my input. If I need some time for myself, that's allowed. If I don't put myself first at points, am I ever going to be able to give people the time and attention they deserve from me when they need it?

Let the Sunshine :o)

So yesterday was another day of odd jobs. Picking up suits and sorting various other bits and pieces for the big day. The bride and groom are both doctors so time off together is beyond rare so I guess it's not really surprising that there is still quite a lot to be done. After a better nights sleep last night I am feeling less bitchy and all about me. Without doubt the situation waiting for us when we return to Vancouver is on my mind, but I shouldn't let that show right now. This week is not about me and my problems, but sadly with me, a lack of sleep almost always results in me being a little more sulky and unreasonable than normal. Not much I can do about that, it's all part of being me, but hey, at least the sulk cloud appears to be lifting so better late than never! :o)

Walking around Liverpool was very strange. Being back home really doesn't feel the way I was expecting. We've both agreed that we just don't miss it all that much. Obviously it's always nice to be back home but I genuinely expected to not want to return to Vancouver but as it turns out, I really do. People in this country are not as friendly as I remember. I have made a real effort recently to put out positive vibes wherever I go. In Vancouver it takes no time at all for the smiles and positivity to be returned, across here it's much harder work. People really make you proove yourself before they even force a smile and even that is often visibly an effort! When we landed I leant across and whispered into J's ear 'we're home' and he instantly shook his head and said 'no, we're visiting the UK' and after four days here I can confidently say I agree. For now, Vancouver feels like home, even without a place to live I'm eager to go back. At first this feeling almost upset me but now I'm just excited. I can enjoy my vacation with my sights set comfortably on the flight 'home' :o) *big smiles*

When we returned back to the cottage after our odd jobs yesterday, we fed the Horses some apples that we'd bought from a 'fruit n veg' stall in the city centre and we got to bottle feed a lamb which was really cool. The lamb was called Sebastian and is super cute. He'll be joining Belle and the others in the back field when he's a little older. Everyone was teasing me about having eaten lamb the night before but that doesn't bother me. I'm a farmers daughter. My grandad had my arm up a cows bum when I was 7 and I know how to kill and pluck a Chicken. I'm pretty confident I could do the country living thing pretty happily and this farmer has the balance just right. His farm is in beautiful Cheshire countryside located a 20 minute drive from Liverpool city centre. That seems like a perfect location to me. Not so keen on the prospect of being a farmer, but the farmers wife seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. Maybe in my next lifetime...

Yesterday evening we went to a nice restaurent in Heswall, a very cute but elegant bistro style place. Good food, good service, good company, can't complain at that now can I?! We then went back to the cottage and formed an assembly line accross the huge Oak kitchen table putting together the front page of the 'order of service' for Saturday. By midnight we were finished and got to spend a few minutes looking up at the most incredible night sky. It was so beautiful and made me feel so humble, the whole you-know-verse veiled over our heads. It was a magical moment and really made me realise that I needed to pull my head out of my arse and do all I can to make Saturday as special as possible. These people matter a great deal to me and I need to put my petty shit to one side and be there for them. Simples.

So, this morning J and I got groceries and made a full english breakfast for everyone. The cottage kitchen is huge and very well equipped so cooking in there was quite enjoyable. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and we even had the whole place cleaned up before we came out this morning. Go team! I'm currently sat in Tony&Guy under the hot lamps getting my hair coloured. I'm a bit nervous about the cost but it's a treat to help me look a little more presentable on Saturday. I guess this evening will be the final touches to a few wedding preparations and maybe game night if we have time. I can't wait to get down to the South of England on Sunday and catch up with J's best friends and their little 2 year old boy. Living so far away has made me truly appreciate the people across here that matter to me. Our time together this time may be shorter than I'd like, but I'll just have to make it count ;o)

Outfit...tick

Today has been a 'get these jobs done then we can relax and enjoy our holiday' day. We went into Liverpool centre after breakfast to get suits sorted for the wedding as well as something for me to wear. I'm not a shopper as it is (anymore!!) but shopping like I did today is the worst. I had a time limit and I needed to find something appropriate and that fitted. I stupidly wore my leather jacket which made me feel warm and clammy (nice huh?!) and had my lace-up walking boots on. Not very conducive to trying on lots of different outfits in a number of different shops. Don't know why I didn't think that one through a little more, but hey, job done now. I managed to find a really nice green and black dress, and a black wrap. J approved of both choices (very unusual!!) and the dress was reduced from 90gbp to 30gbp...winner! ;o) We then went to the Supermarket to buy things for the party bags (the kids at the wedding are all getting party bags) and I managed to find a pair of shoes to go with my dress that were also reduced...double winner!! All I have to sort now is my hair and my appointment is made for Thursday. Not exactly my idea of a vacation but we're here for J's little brother this time, not for us. 

Everything is slowly coming together and falling into place. We just have to head back into the city centre one more time for the suits. So far this evening we have been making the 'order of service' for Saturday. I've been cutting out hearts and snipping ribbon like a mad woman - so glad we didn't bother with any of this for us last year. It seems to be adding a lot of stress and hassle to the whole proceedings but it's what the bride and groom want so it's all good :o) J has gone on a mad hunt for a polaroid camera with his dad (found one for sale for 12gbp so fingers crossed) for a fun scrapbook project on the day. Hopefully once they get home we can all head out for some dinner and finally chill out and relax. I've bought a SIM for my phone with data but it is crazy slow and I stupidly didn't bring a book with me (other than 'The Ethical Slut' - go on, dare me...) so I'm a little bored right now. Other than all of the above it's been a fun day. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. I'm not complaining, just sayin is all ;o)

We've arrived

So, we arrived at Heathrow Airport 5 minutes early and were met at arrivals by J's sister and her boyfriend. Together we made the four hour drive to a beautiful cottage in Neston, Cheshire. J's family are kindly covering the costs for all the accommodation this week so this place is much nicer than anything we'd have paid for. It's stunning. A beautiful converted barn with chicken clucking around the grass next to the cobbled driveway, as well as sheep out the back one of which is called Belle and was hand reared - she comes running across the field when you call her name. I never really thought of sheep as cute before but watching her dance across the field to the sound of her name, now that was cute! There's also 3 horses out the back which are very friendly and after breakfast today we stood petting them feeding them long grass. Get me, being all country girl, I'll be collecting eggs and milking goats next! ;o)

It's great to be home. The views from our bedroom are beautiful Cheshire countryside, slightly marred by the Shell plant in the distance but even that adds a nice element of nostalgia for me as my dad worked there. We lived in this area until I was 5 so being back here is really feeling quite special. The only slight issue so far is I think the combination of jet lag and my emotions sitting quite close to the surface right now has resulted in me feeling quite teary. I already feel better today after the first night of over 4hrs sleep in quite some time. Generally it's great to be back home.

Last night we went to Jamie Olivers restaurant in Liverpool city centre - chomp num, num, num...seriously yummy food. A big family meal together with some exciting news at the end of it. Lots of smiles, laughter and hugs. Everyone just enjoying being together and making plans for the big day on Saturday. We got home at midnight and for once J was extremely tired so we went straight to bed. He fell asleep within minutes and I was still awake at 2am - oh how the tables have turned!! ;o) I lay daydreaming and listening to music, I guess I finally submitted to sleep around 3am to be rudely awoken by the farm Cockerel at 6am, luckily the jet lag was in full swing at that point and I fell back asleep until just before 8am. The weather is smiling on us this morning so I guess I'd better jump up and start the day :o)

Onwards and upwards

The movers met us in West Vancouver at 10am this morning. Our obnoxious neighbour remained loud and bitchy right up until the very end, confirming that we have absolutely made the right decision. She refuses to acknowledge her behaviour and clearly has some pretty huge psychological issues. She really is one the strangest characters I've ever met and as a nurse for 11 years I've met a lot of people. Extremely glad to be rid of the whole issue. It's nice to be returning home knowing that (as long as this doesn't go to court) we'll never see her again. No one needs that negativity in their lives. She must spend so much of her time feeling angry - it's really quite sad.

Anyways, I write this post from the airport. We're through security and sat listening to some tunes and chilling before we spend the next nine hours of our lives up in the sky. Now that the past week is all wrapped up, we can both finally wind down and start to focus on going home. We're both excited about spending time with family, and J's family are excellent at going out of their way to make sure everyone has a good time. We're all close friends as well as family and whilst I'm still concerned that there may be a slightly frosty reception towards me due to my recent behaviour, I know this will quickly pass. Unlike my family, they really do forgive and forget. What I lack in my own family, I have gained in J's. I am, as always, a very lucky lady.

Homeless and heading home.

So, our new place in West Vancouver lasted a whole week. The woman living on the top floor of the house turned out to be the most overwhelming source of negativity I've ever come across. Within 24hrs of moving into the suite we had been shouted at (and I really do mean shouted) twice in the most rude, aggressive and obnoxious way possible. She was beyond offensive and left us with no choice. We could never have shared a space with this woman, we had to leave.

The final few bits will be collected from the suite tomorrow by the removal company and put into storage with the rest of our belongings. We hand the keys back to the landlord tomorrow. As it stands the landlord is refusing to return our deposit and seems determined to take us to court for breach of contract. I think in time she will let this drop but we'll see. We have witnesses to the way the neighbour behaved and we have been more than reasonable, offering a very fair cash payment for the time we have been in there and the inconvenience. Trouble is, she's close friends with the upstairs tenant and has been lied to about what really happened. Hopefully court can be avoided but if not, we feel very confident we will win. Fingers crossed it wont come to that.

So, tomorrow we head home to the UK for ten days. We will return to Vancouver with nowhere to call home but hopefully if we really go for it we *may* find somewhere for the 15th. If not, I guess it'll be hotels for a couple of weeks. Not ideal but sadly it can't be avoided. The prospect of leaving all our family and friends to return home to uncertainty is not exactly thrilling either of us right now. Luckily, we are both pretty positive people and quite frankly we're just grateful that this nasty neighbour showed her true colours so early on. It made moving out very easy as everything was still packed. We both feel pretty proud of ourselves for being so brave and standing up for ourselves. We deserve better and refuse to be treated that way by anyone. Even if it turns out that this cost us upwards of $2000, it's worth it to have avoided such a huge bullet. Thanks again you-know-verse, better late than never!