Feeling positive.

So recently, J and I have become a lot more focused on remaining optimistic and happy, really trying to put good positive energy into everything that we do. J has always been better at this than I am, I have a slight tendency to always focus on the negative but recently it's become easy to work things in the other direction. Life has taken such a huge turn for the better and for the first time in a number of months, I feel extremely optimistic about life in general and what our future holds. Our trip back to the UK was a real turning point for me. I was feeling fed up and frustrated when we returned to England and I was looking forward to my home country providing me with some real comfort and reassurance. This did not happen. Instead I felt like an alien in a foreign land. Previously I had always liked that when I went home my accent would blend in, that I was part of the single mind that is 'being british' and it felt good to be a part of that. I love being british and had always loved returning home and feeling like I was back with 'my people'. Sounds a little trite but I guess I'm just the kind of person that likes to fit in...or at least I used to be!

I just didn't miss it, the UK I mean, I felt completely different. I was genuinely expecting to return to the UK and not want to come back to Canada but that was not the case. I found the people very reserved, often to the point of being rude and in London this experience was 10 times worse. People were quite ignorant to what was going on around them and actively avoided interacting with people around them, yet I have never been shoved and knocked so many times in so few hours. Often people didn't even apologize or turn to acknowledge what they had done, more often than not they didn't even seem to realize they had done it. I'm pretty certain that should still be considered rude right?! I missed Vancouver and I missed the people in it. I missed people smiling at one another and saying hello when you pass someone in the corridor. I missed the amazing scenery and complimenting weather. I missed the people here that I have learnt to share my life with. I may not have made the strong, solid friendships here that I have in the UK yet but that's cool. My friends in the UK matter and will remain important to me for the rest of my life but they got to know me and learnt to love me when I was a very different person to who I am now. I actually think the distance strengthens the friendships as it means people don't have to work too hard at adjusting to the different me. I can go back and tone down my psychedelic, free love, share the wealth, pacifist hippy side and be a more relaxed version of the old me. Don't take myself too seriously but don't storm in their with my philosophical bulldozer and start tearing down the walls that hold together my friends worlds. Possessions, mortgages, pensions, wealth, security etc may not matter that much to me but they do to the people I care about so I can't be too loud and proud right now. This is the right city for us to be in right now, it's making me a better, stronger, happier person and as a couple we just keep getting better, that can only be a good thing.

This new house is awesome. I was concerned (am still am a little) that's it's too much space for the two of us but we have agreed that we wont waste it and that we will utilize it to have parties and invite friends over. The space also makes the baby bell jingle a little louder inside my head but have agreed that we're not quite there just yet, the reality is that I still don't feel grown up enough to be a Mother. Mylo seems very happy here and clearly appreciates having more room to explore. The area is beautiful. We can see the mountains on one side and Coquitlam River Park is immediately opposite. The road is quiet, you can hear the water running down the river and birdsong throughout the day. It's convenient to get to work and five minutes drive from a major town centre. I feel so happy here. There is a garden for Mylo to have a mess around in and a ready made flower garden around the side which we are going to grow vegetables in as well as pulling out all the weeds in the corner and turning it into a flower bed. I will post pictures soon as it will be good to have a record of some before and after shots. Neither of us have even the slightest idea about gardening but J's close friend in the UK runs his own landscape gardening company to I guess we'll be picking his brains over the next few weeks!! The house is quirky as hell and that just makes us both love it more. We've been out today and bought a new shower head so that we now have an awesome 'raincloud' shower - winner!! Dog is back home, the sun is shining, I'm heading out tonight and heading into work tomorrow evening to cuddle some babies. J's business is going well and the two of us as a couple are more solid, focussed, open and in love than we have ever been. I share my life with many wonderful people that *all* matter to me. I've married into an awesome family and whilst my family may not be exactly what I want them to be, they without a doubt matter to me very much as I do to them. My Mum especially can drive me *crazy* at points but I'm learning to let her slightly bizarre madness make me smile. she's not going to change so I'm going to have to get better at just rolling with it a little more. She's coming out for two weeks in July which J is dreading. I'm hopeful that between the two of us we can make it work. My plan of attack is to have lots of activities planned but we'll just have to see how it goes...watch this space ;o)

So all in all, after a hard few weeks I'm feeling pretty good. Vancouver has proved itself really well to me and I feel certain this is the right place for us for now. I have all kinds of projects in my head that I want to start. I'm determined to get better at baking, I want to at least try and be a little more crafty, I want to start kick boxing, I want to go camping in the north of BC, I want to keep playing with sex and discovering my sexuality, I want to prepare my body physically and mentally for pregnancy, ease up on the late nights and improve my diet and hydration...we'll see. Hopefully not all pie in the sky but you just never know with me. Something can mean the world to me and sometimes I just can't quite seem to make it happen. Lets see if this new attitude makes a difference... :o)