I'm realizing more and more that I don't have very much patience. I'm not sure weather this is something that is getting worse as I get older (quite possibly) or if this has always been the case but what I know for certain is that you really don't have long with me to make a good impression. People tend to have to work very hard to un-do a poor first impression, music generally has about 10 seconds before I skip to the next track, TV and Movies will get 15-30 minutes depending on just how lame they are but unless you've really grabbed my attention in some way...skip...move on. I fully appreciate that this sounds obscenely harsh and that I may well be missing out on worthwhile experiences and relationships but I appear to be willing to take the risk. I try really hard to keep it under wraps and be more moderate but that just isn't me. I know this side of me frustrates J immensely as he is one of the most even tempered people I know, but the more I try and keep it under control, the more infuriated I seem to get. I wish I was a bit more fair and moderate but it just doesn't seem to be the way my head works. I guess it's one side of me that's a little more stereotypically female.
The combination of being a more selfish person as well as a more emotional person is not really serving me well. To be totally honest I don't really see myself as a particularly selfish person, in fact generally I tend to think of others a little more but I'm married to a ridiculously selfless man who continuously thinks of others before himself, even in the most stressful and trialing situations for himself. So whilst I may not be selfish, I am, without doubt the most selfish person within our relationship and at times this can be really quite a tricky situation, and leaves me always fighting from a position that's much more 'all about me' and much less about others, which at times makes me feel pretty shitty. When my personal circumstances are more difficult, my ability to put others first massively depletes and to be honest I think this is acceptable. I don't believe I ask for special treatment or to be treated differently by other people but they will receive a lower level of attention, time and commitment from me whilst my mind and emotions are focused a little on my own problems. Will I still help you? Absolutely. Will you get the levels of time and attention that you normally would? Probably not, and if you push for more from me then I'm gonna be on a short fuse which is just not pleasant for anyone concerned.
As I said above, this current climate is just not serving me well. I feel pressured at times to be more selfless than is in my nature. Would it be nicer if I was more able to put others first, whatever my circumstances? Of course. But I guess the reality is that I'm just not quite as easy going as I like to think I am. I have a tendency to back myself into tricky corners, agreeing to do things that I'm not really able to commit to at that point in time. Within no time it can be too late and my time and attention is required in a project that I just don't want to be a big part of, resulting in my mood (when I'm in an environment where I feel free to fully vent) being moody and stroppy, leaving J feeling like he's riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster with me. I am not in any way, shape or form blaming him. I need to be better and stronger at saying no or at least limiting my input. If I need some time for myself, that's allowed. If I don't put myself first at points, am I ever going to be able to give people the time and attention they deserve from me when they need it?
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