Sleepy head

I'm having one of those days where everything seems to require 50% more energy than normal. I thought dragging myself off an air mattress at 6am was hard but everything at work today seems to require serious amounts of concentration that I just don't have right now! Hopefully the coffee will kick in soon and kick my lazyness into touch. Come on Heather...snap out of it! ;o)

Got that Friday feeling.

Lots of things happening to make me smile today :o) 

1. First of five days off work, starting on a Friday. What's not to like about that?!
2. Eight days until we head home to the UK for a family wedding. I've promised the boy I will try and be a little more restrained this time and not start talking about moving back home within 5 minutes of leaving Heathrow!!
3. In between looking after my twins on NICU last night I was documenting a sexual fantasy (there is a reason but it's nothing interesting) and that's resulted in me arriving home feeling rather 'glowey' ;o)
4. We pick up the keys to our new place today - a new perspective on everything is always exciting :o)
5. Now that I'm off work, I don't have to limp round the unit anymore explaining to anyone who asks that I attempted (and failed) to perform very minor surgery on my own toe. I now realise why so many people are into feet. Who knew there were so many nerve endings down there?!?

Learning to be OK with me

5 things I've learnt about myself recently:

1. I take myself too seriously at times and have a tendency to over think things and give myself a hard time about things that really don't matter. Just look around and see the beauty in everything, take *that* seriously.
2. I seem to have an addictive personality and very little self control. You can give me a thousand reasons why I shouldn't try something but the bottom line is, if I wanna, I'm gonna - simple as that!
3. I don't ever want my life to be without music. Ever. Over the past few weeks music has saved me from some very dark moments and given me an outlet and escape that nothing else could. I am so incredibly thankful to *all* musicians for taking the time and energy to create music. 
4. I'm nothing like my family and I'm thankful for that.
5. I'm not the person that I thought I was going to be, I fully appreciate that no one is but for years I was very much on track, and set to be exactly what I thought I always would be, Mrs Hallmark...turns out the you-know-verse had other plans!

To be continued.....

Cuteness

"Do my pupils look big in this?!"

Little gifts

So I bought window markers for the boy today. I guess neither of us are destined to make our futune as visual artists, at least not without a computer taking some responsibility for the 'art'!!

Memories

It's not always hardest to remember the bad times, sometimes it's hardest to remember something truly beautiful that will never happen again. Moments in time that are gone forever. But then I realise what I have in my life right now and what's ahead of us in our future and realise just how many beautiful things are still to come. As sad as I do feel right now, I know that amazing things are ahead, and just for the record, I am in the full knowledge that I'm a very lucky girl and I promise in time I will drag myself from the shadows and dance in the Spring rain. Be patient with me, I'm coming....

Moving on...

So we're going to look at some new places today and tomorrow to try and find somewhere new to live. Our currant place is cool. It's a nice apartment, a good size for the two of us and Mylo with plenty of all the usual suburban 'essentials' to make a place nice to live, but several factors recently have resulted in this place not really working for us anymore. A number of the roads that circle our building have been widened resulting in our house sitting in the middle of the main thorough fair for all the emergency services and more importantly their sirens! As well as this the Strata in the building are arse holes. I would go into it more but they are not worth my time writing about them or your time reading about the same ;o) As well as both the above, our current place has become haunted by recent events for both of us and whilst we are trying to work through all that happened, our home, the place that should be our haven and retreat away from the rest of the world, became the location that will always be associated with the closest call to the end of our relationship to date. We are both highly sensitive and emotional people and surrounding ourselves with constant memory triggers is not proving helpful for either of us. Try letting go of something when you wake up everyday surrounded by triggers to the most emotionally crippling few days of your life...anyway....nuff said...we're moving!! :o)

I'm looking forward to trying something different for a bit. I'm not really a very suburban girl. I like one extreme or the other. I love city living. I think the plan is to do city center for a bit and then try the countryside for a while after that (if I can manage to break away from the hustle and bustle - I suspect I'm going to love it). So we're looking at downtown apartments. I love this city and I love this city even more in the summer. Who wouldn't right?! There are many downsides to Vancouver. I'll be the first to sit and list 20 things that drive me crazy about the place but for everything that drive me crazy there's two that I love, and what's even more infuriating is when my head space really wants to mess with me I suddenly find that something I previously hated I suddenly quite like. I'm realising more and more that inside my head, as in truly in the deep dark recesses of me - I'm one of the most confused, changeable, vague, indecisive, flighty, unsure and surely frustrating people to spend long periods of time with, and who do I end up spending *all* my time with...me! Seriously FML! Anyway let the house hunt begin.

We are lucky enough to be reasonably financially stable right now so finding somewhere that is a decent size for all three of us and that's in a decent location is actually quite achievable, but this is still Vancouver so prices are high and trying to find somewhere that doesn't have a strata and that will tolerate semi loud music may still be tricky. The definite upside is 420 friendly shouldn't be too hard either - yay!! I'm a little nervous about spending more on rent than we already do, but what I know for sure is that it's time for a change, for something a little different, no need to shake it up too much whilst things are still quite unstable but giving ourselves a whole new set of challenges, finding a new routine and somewhere new to explore should be a lot of fun. Fresh start and a clean slate, no more messing around, it's time for some proactive changes. It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow (gotta love life and the universe for timing right?!) and recent events have got to be seen as my tipping point. It's the point in my life that in the future represents the mark where a lot changed, that I learnt from what happened and the way I behaved and move on, and that's the struggle right now, too many reminders pulling my head back into the recent past. I'm a big girl now with a wonderful man(child!!) still at my side after everything that's happened. I guess this where the whole being a grown up thing comes in...sucks!! ;o)

Touch.

You are what my hands were made for...








....Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly...

Going Under

I wont be broken again, I've got to breath, I can't keep going under.

Not ready to make nice.

Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should.

Your Gravity

Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Good grades.

I am currently working towards obtaining my Acute Care certificate in order to be fully qualified to care for the really sick babes that come into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where I work. Once I complete the course I will be fully qualified to work in the ICU half of the Unit and care for the micro-prem 23-24 weekers that require very intensive support and nursing care. I submitted my first assignment just over a week ago. It was a piece of creative writing that I re-wrote from an earlier course. I got 25/30 and my tutor said that the only reason I didn't score higher was because she's not particularly creative and I didn't supply an explanation page for some of my more abstract quotes and responses - fair comment and I'm totally happy with my mark. I just want to pass and get the other side of this thing so that I can finally start doing the type of nursing I've wanted to do since I was 18 and first went into nursing. I guess I'm not quite the dunce I like to think I am! :) 

Forgiveness.

I feel very delicate right now. Trying to guide myself in a direction that's positive and proactive is hard. I am overwhelmed by 'input' (to quote Johnny 5). I'm a skittish person by nature, easily distracted and not task focused, my thoughts and emotions tend to work the same way. I don't know what is the most logical order to tackle this in. I spent 90 minutes on the phone to my parents and they still have no idea about the recent events of my life - I'm pretty certain that makes me a coward. I feel homesick and isolated and don't think I will want to return from the UK next month...or maybe I will, I don't seem to know myself very well right now. I have a shocking tempter and to realise how much damage that alone has caused is unexpected. All the things that I thought were part of the 'hard and fast' me seem to be hiding right now. Who am I? 

My need for touch is straining under the pressure, I need someone to hold me but don't feel I deserve affection. Even with all the positive progress over the past week, there is still so much hurt and distance. I desperately want to just bury my head in the sand and plough on through the complexity of my head space right now, just crouch down and make a run for it...but I know I can't and that's cool. Lessons have to be learnt. What's the point in going through this if we don't come out the other side happier and healthier as a result? Not much as far as I can see, but that doesn't really help how I feel at the moment. I know this is all part of the healing process, I get that. I know that when I feel more self assured and confident that life is back on the straight and narrow, I will be able to look at the other issues bothering me and will be able to work thought them in a more logical way. But right now I'm getting lost. I'm getting lost and overwhelmed and don't really know how to find my way back out again. 

Apparently it's important that I forgive myself for what I did. I have no idea where to begin or how to make that decision finite in my head. It can't be something that I just say, I have to mean it. It's not easy to forgive yourself when you don't like yourself all that much. It's so much easier to see the bad. 

Almost Lover

My almost lover

Reading Material

I made a big step forward yesterday evening in my journey of becoming more open and honest about who I am with people in my life. Obviously the more pertinent people are family and close friends but tackling this immediately has proved a little overwhelming. As a compromise I decided I would take the book that has been sat on my bedside table for well over six months now waiting for me to make the time to sit and read it into work to read on my breaks. I can make all the excuses under the sun for why I'd not managed to read it at home but hey, you've not got all day and I need to head to bed for some sleep so I'll save you that one for now!! Anyway, the point of my post is this, I took my book into work with me and whilst I made some attempts to keep the front cover of the book concealed (as I'm thinking 'The Ethical Slut' in big gold letters kind of lets people know that I'm not reading about the Bronte sisters!) without doubt some of my colleagues saw the book and whilst they looked a little surprised there was basically no reaction. Winner! I know that to many people this seems like nothing but for me this is big. To make even the tiniest step forward into a public and extremely vanilla forum to let people know that I'm not what they all think I am...well for me that's HUGE and I have to say, I'm really quite proud of myself :)