Forgiveness.

I feel very delicate right now. Trying to guide myself in a direction that's positive and proactive is hard. I am overwhelmed by 'input' (to quote Johnny 5). I'm a skittish person by nature, easily distracted and not task focused, my thoughts and emotions tend to work the same way. I don't know what is the most logical order to tackle this in. I spent 90 minutes on the phone to my parents and they still have no idea about the recent events of my life - I'm pretty certain that makes me a coward. I feel homesick and isolated and don't think I will want to return from the UK next month...or maybe I will, I don't seem to know myself very well right now. I have a shocking tempter and to realise how much damage that alone has caused is unexpected. All the things that I thought were part of the 'hard and fast' me seem to be hiding right now. Who am I? 

My need for touch is straining under the pressure, I need someone to hold me but don't feel I deserve affection. Even with all the positive progress over the past week, there is still so much hurt and distance. I desperately want to just bury my head in the sand and plough on through the complexity of my head space right now, just crouch down and make a run for it...but I know I can't and that's cool. Lessons have to be learnt. What's the point in going through this if we don't come out the other side happier and healthier as a result? Not much as far as I can see, but that doesn't really help how I feel at the moment. I know this is all part of the healing process, I get that. I know that when I feel more self assured and confident that life is back on the straight and narrow, I will be able to look at the other issues bothering me and will be able to work thought them in a more logical way. But right now I'm getting lost. I'm getting lost and overwhelmed and don't really know how to find my way back out again. 

Apparently it's important that I forgive myself for what I did. I have no idea where to begin or how to make that decision finite in my head. It can't be something that I just say, I have to mean it. It's not easy to forgive yourself when you don't like yourself all that much. It's so much easier to see the bad.