Me, myself and that little inner voice that wont just go away!

I feel like such a cliche. The fat girl doesn't have much confidence. What a fucking surprise! It's times like these that I'm most angry that I spent so much time as a teenager and young adult watching soap after soap, ensuring that on a daily basis the rigid monotony that makes up someone else's definition of 'normal' (because some trashy soap writer must know what normal is right?!?) was reinforced over and over again. As well as this I was brought up in suburban, middle class England. I went to a selective school (your family had to attend a protestant church) where I was surrounded by more of the same. Life was played like a video game. Level 1 you go to School. Level 2 you go to University. Level 3 you meet a nice girl or boy and get married. Level 4 you buy a house and accumulate possessions. Level 5 you start a family. (Level 6 you do the whole thing over again because you didn't do it the way *you* wanted to the first time!?!). I used to earn money singing at weddings over the summer and loved every second of it - the church, the romance, the big white dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids, the kiss...because that's what love is right? A big white wedding with a church full of people and a perfect kiss...seriously, I look back now and want to vomit on myself. Maybe a little extreme, but actually I was a bright girl and even then had a relatively open mind, I really should have done a little more thinking for myself rather than just blindly accepting whatever I was told. 

I'm healthy enough to know I wont hang onto these feelings forever, but this is all a process and right now I'm extremely disappointed in my younger self. To be knocking on the door of thirty and realising I've lost my twenties to these feelings of ugliness, inadequacy, disgust, shame and just generally putting myself down and selling myself short is more than a little disappointing. Yes I can stand here and wag my finger at my parents blaming them for all the short comings with my confidence and self esteem (and don't get me wrong I do see them as being a part of this) but as a young woman should I not have taken accountability for myself and the way that I was feeling? At what point what I going to stand up for myself and get the world to notice me for the smart, open minded, free thinking, fun loving, beautiful woman that I am? Without the periods of personal reflection that the past few months have brought me, was I going to meander through life wallowing in the pool of self pity? The bottom line is that everything that's happened in my life up until this point all goes to make me who I am now and I can honestly say I'm pretty happy with me. Are there certain things I'd like to work on and change in time - absolutely, but am I genuinely happy with the characteristics that sit at the inner core of me - absolutely! I love feeling confident. Negative feelings drain me. Confidence is attractive, I stand better I smile more, I feel more balanced and grounded - what's not to like?! 

Then I have days like today that catch me totally off guard. Some small event that should be relatively meaningless triggers something in my simply little mind and the cycle begins again. Now I'll grant you, my inner voice such as it is, is now quiet and doesn't have quite the same vigor and rhythm that she had before - I remain confident that her reign of negative terror is over. Today, I jumped into the car and blew the cobwebs away singing Pink at the top of my lungs, thus allowing enough oxygen into my brain to let rational thought prevail, but to still see that she's in there half hoping I fail is frustrating. I am me! I'm pretty, I'm caring, I'm a good nurse, I make people laugh and have a good sense of humor, I'm intelligent, I'm thoughtful and insightful, I'm fun and I'm loving. I have people in my life who love me and I love them. What do I do to make her realise how good she has it? I get that I'm onto a thing here, life is good and just keeps getting better. I'm not doing everything that I want to yet but my head space is now ready for whatever I want to bring in my direction. She needs to get on board with this now, take that negative energy and turn it into something positive. Me and her - we're through.