20 something boy

Went to the theater this evening, then afterwards for dinner at Duffin's Donuts with the cutest twenty something guy. Not the worst way to spend a Saturday night ;)

English Rose?!

New hair colour makes me look paler than ever. Morticia Adams eat your heart out. I'm thinking black lips & nails are called for then I can just throw my hat into the ring with the rest of my pent up teenage angst. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea :) 

Moments.

Life's not about how many breaths you take. It's about how many moments take your breath away.

Thoughts for the day...

1. My parents drive me crazy. Simples. 
2. I love Ricky Gervais. If you can't see he was doing it to get this exact reaction then you're more stupid than you look. It's not complex. He's pushing the boundaries and seeing where it gets him. Love it!
3. I have a big surprise in place for the boys 30th and still have way too much that I need to do.
4. I like comedy and to make people laugh, I get that I'm biased but British comedy rules the universe ;)
5. I hate the news. Why do they want to instill fear in people? Seriously think about it....
6. If my car isn't driving like a Bugatti Veyron when I get it back tomorrow someone is going to have to answer some questions. Ramona (our car!), I love you, but seriously, no more $1000 repair bills please!
7. I'm ready for a new tattoo - Yay! :)
8. I hate arrogance. I'm done with people that've taken that foolish step across the line from confidence into the no mans land of arrogance thinking you're the super king of everything. Not attractive and quite frankly you just aggravate me and I don't need that in my life thank you very much.
9. I will become a better cook this year. I will. I will. I will.
10. I'm slowly learning how to become a key holder. I think this could be a lot of fun :)
11. I love my job. These beautiful little beings make my heart melt. I'm so grateful to have been given the opportunity to work in this unique area of healthcare.
12. My life is filled with people and animals who love me - I have done nothing to deserve to be so loved and it makes my heart glow. I love you all. 

Can't smile wide enough me!

As promised my mood is brighter. Having put off a Brazilian wax for well over a year now I finally got my arse in gear and booked myself in today. As with all these things it wasn't even close to the horror I'd prepared myself for (I have no idea why I insist on doing that to myself...). That in itself was a pleasant surprise and a reasonably positive start to the day. We then spent time up in the park, watching families playing in the snow and our beautiful dog messing around  like a puppy - he *loves* the snow, you can't not smile, he's just too funny to watch. J always talks about how he loves dogs for their ability to just get on with things, never complain, never give up. For dogs everything is new and exciting and fun. He loves the fact that they just live life and he's absolutely right. Watching Mylo getting so excited playing in a park that we've taken him to hundreds of times and it's all just as fabulous as the very first day we took him there. It's quite inspirational to watch. It brought tears to my eyes. The people in my world that I love all love me back. I have a whole new year in front of me to do anything I want with and lots of fun in store before this month ends. Enough of the moaning already! Not everything is perfect but I have so many wonderful people (and animals) in my life right now. How can I do anything but smile?! Life is good :) 

Hard Day

What a really fucking hard day. My brain and body are exhausted. I'm being a total bitch to myself right now (as well as everyone else) and not giving my system anything it needs to make me feel better. I don't want to drink water. I don't want to go to the grocery store to get fresh food in the apartment. I want to stay in bed and sulk. Television frustrates and annoys me. I have a headache and a cold. My dog is grumpy and I have stomach cramps. Leave me alone world. Leave me alone to wallow in the murky depths of self pity and negativity. Just give me 12 hours to make my personal strike of indignation and in the morning I'll be back with you. I'm learning to appreciate days like these. I know you can't have the highs without the lows and I'm OK with that. I've not been a nice person to be around today and seeing my mood bringing others down has been hard. I really am sorry. You know it wont last long...Tomorrow is another day and I'm starting it with a smile! :)

Me, myself and that little inner voice that wont just go away!

I feel like such a cliche. The fat girl doesn't have much confidence. What a fucking surprise! It's times like these that I'm most angry that I spent so much time as a teenager and young adult watching soap after soap, ensuring that on a daily basis the rigid monotony that makes up someone else's definition of 'normal' (because some trashy soap writer must know what normal is right?!?) was reinforced over and over again. As well as this I was brought up in suburban, middle class England. I went to a selective school (your family had to attend a protestant church) where I was surrounded by more of the same. Life was played like a video game. Level 1 you go to School. Level 2 you go to University. Level 3 you meet a nice girl or boy and get married. Level 4 you buy a house and accumulate possessions. Level 5 you start a family. (Level 6 you do the whole thing over again because you didn't do it the way *you* wanted to the first time!?!). I used to earn money singing at weddings over the summer and loved every second of it - the church, the romance, the big white dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids, the kiss...because that's what love is right? A big white wedding with a church full of people and a perfect kiss...seriously, I look back now and want to vomit on myself. Maybe a little extreme, but actually I was a bright girl and even then had a relatively open mind, I really should have done a little more thinking for myself rather than just blindly accepting whatever I was told. 

I'm healthy enough to know I wont hang onto these feelings forever, but this is all a process and right now I'm extremely disappointed in my younger self. To be knocking on the door of thirty and realising I've lost my twenties to these feelings of ugliness, inadequacy, disgust, shame and just generally putting myself down and selling myself short is more than a little disappointing. Yes I can stand here and wag my finger at my parents blaming them for all the short comings with my confidence and self esteem (and don't get me wrong I do see them as being a part of this) but as a young woman should I not have taken accountability for myself and the way that I was feeling? At what point what I going to stand up for myself and get the world to notice me for the smart, open minded, free thinking, fun loving, beautiful woman that I am? Without the periods of personal reflection that the past few months have brought me, was I going to meander through life wallowing in the pool of self pity? The bottom line is that everything that's happened in my life up until this point all goes to make me who I am now and I can honestly say I'm pretty happy with me. Are there certain things I'd like to work on and change in time - absolutely, but am I genuinely happy with the characteristics that sit at the inner core of me - absolutely! I love feeling confident. Negative feelings drain me. Confidence is attractive, I stand better I smile more, I feel more balanced and grounded - what's not to like?! 

Then I have days like today that catch me totally off guard. Some small event that should be relatively meaningless triggers something in my simply little mind and the cycle begins again. Now I'll grant you, my inner voice such as it is, is now quiet and doesn't have quite the same vigor and rhythm that she had before - I remain confident that her reign of negative terror is over. Today, I jumped into the car and blew the cobwebs away singing Pink at the top of my lungs, thus allowing enough oxygen into my brain to let rational thought prevail, but to still see that she's in there half hoping I fail is frustrating. I am me! I'm pretty, I'm caring, I'm a good nurse, I make people laugh and have a good sense of humor, I'm intelligent, I'm thoughtful and insightful, I'm fun and I'm loving. I have people in my life who love me and I love them. What do I do to make her realise how good she has it? I get that I'm onto a thing here, life is good and just keeps getting better. I'm not doing everything that I want to yet but my head space is now ready for whatever I want to bring in my direction. She needs to get on board with this now, take that negative energy and turn it into something positive. Me and her - we're through.

Listen up.