Follow me...

hintofvanilla.tumblr.com

More to look at and a little less boring, descriptive, self indulgence ;o)

Xxx

Feeling positive.

So recently, J and I have become a lot more focused on remaining optimistic and happy, really trying to put good positive energy into everything that we do. J has always been better at this than I am, I have a slight tendency to always focus on the negative but recently it's become easy to work things in the other direction. Life has taken such a huge turn for the better and for the first time in a number of months, I feel extremely optimistic about life in general and what our future holds. Our trip back to the UK was a real turning point for me. I was feeling fed up and frustrated when we returned to England and I was looking forward to my home country providing me with some real comfort and reassurance. This did not happen. Instead I felt like an alien in a foreign land. Previously I had always liked that when I went home my accent would blend in, that I was part of the single mind that is 'being british' and it felt good to be a part of that. I love being british and had always loved returning home and feeling like I was back with 'my people'. Sounds a little trite but I guess I'm just the kind of person that likes to fit in...or at least I used to be!

I just didn't miss it, the UK I mean, I felt completely different. I was genuinely expecting to return to the UK and not want to come back to Canada but that was not the case. I found the people very reserved, often to the point of being rude and in London this experience was 10 times worse. People were quite ignorant to what was going on around them and actively avoided interacting with people around them, yet I have never been shoved and knocked so many times in so few hours. Often people didn't even apologize or turn to acknowledge what they had done, more often than not they didn't even seem to realize they had done it. I'm pretty certain that should still be considered rude right?! I missed Vancouver and I missed the people in it. I missed people smiling at one another and saying hello when you pass someone in the corridor. I missed the amazing scenery and complimenting weather. I missed the people here that I have learnt to share my life with. I may not have made the strong, solid friendships here that I have in the UK yet but that's cool. My friends in the UK matter and will remain important to me for the rest of my life but they got to know me and learnt to love me when I was a very different person to who I am now. I actually think the distance strengthens the friendships as it means people don't have to work too hard at adjusting to the different me. I can go back and tone down my psychedelic, free love, share the wealth, pacifist hippy side and be a more relaxed version of the old me. Don't take myself too seriously but don't storm in their with my philosophical bulldozer and start tearing down the walls that hold together my friends worlds. Possessions, mortgages, pensions, wealth, security etc may not matter that much to me but they do to the people I care about so I can't be too loud and proud right now. This is the right city for us to be in right now, it's making me a better, stronger, happier person and as a couple we just keep getting better, that can only be a good thing.

This new house is awesome. I was concerned (am still am a little) that's it's too much space for the two of us but we have agreed that we wont waste it and that we will utilize it to have parties and invite friends over. The space also makes the baby bell jingle a little louder inside my head but have agreed that we're not quite there just yet, the reality is that I still don't feel grown up enough to be a Mother. Mylo seems very happy here and clearly appreciates having more room to explore. The area is beautiful. We can see the mountains on one side and Coquitlam River Park is immediately opposite. The road is quiet, you can hear the water running down the river and birdsong throughout the day. It's convenient to get to work and five minutes drive from a major town centre. I feel so happy here. There is a garden for Mylo to have a mess around in and a ready made flower garden around the side which we are going to grow vegetables in as well as pulling out all the weeds in the corner and turning it into a flower bed. I will post pictures soon as it will be good to have a record of some before and after shots. Neither of us have even the slightest idea about gardening but J's close friend in the UK runs his own landscape gardening company to I guess we'll be picking his brains over the next few weeks!! The house is quirky as hell and that just makes us both love it more. We've been out today and bought a new shower head so that we now have an awesome 'raincloud' shower - winner!! Dog is back home, the sun is shining, I'm heading out tonight and heading into work tomorrow evening to cuddle some babies. J's business is going well and the two of us as a couple are more solid, focussed, open and in love than we have ever been. I share my life with many wonderful people that *all* matter to me. I've married into an awesome family and whilst my family may not be exactly what I want them to be, they without a doubt matter to me very much as I do to them. My Mum especially can drive me *crazy* at points but I'm learning to let her slightly bizarre madness make me smile. she's not going to change so I'm going to have to get better at just rolling with it a little more. She's coming out for two weeks in July which J is dreading. I'm hopeful that between the two of us we can make it work. My plan of attack is to have lots of activities planned but we'll just have to see how it goes...watch this space ;o)

So all in all, after a hard few weeks I'm feeling pretty good. Vancouver has proved itself really well to me and I feel certain this is the right place for us for now. I have all kinds of projects in my head that I want to start. I'm determined to get better at baking, I want to at least try and be a little more crafty, I want to start kick boxing, I want to go camping in the north of BC, I want to keep playing with sex and discovering my sexuality, I want to prepare my body physically and mentally for pregnancy, ease up on the late nights and improve my diet and hydration...we'll see. Hopefully not all pie in the sky but you just never know with me. Something can mean the world to me and sometimes I just can't quite seem to make it happen. Lets see if this new attitude makes a difference... :o)

A very happy lady :o)

So we signed the contract, paid our deposit and got the keys for our new place today. We move tomorrow. The movers are booked for 10am tomorrow and we are confident that we can have all our belongings in Coquitlam by the middle of the afternoon. We even got away with not having to pay a severe pet deposit and there is no clause in the contract stating we can only have one pet so I'm hoping to start looking for puppies fairly soon as a surprise for the boy. We've wanted to get a playmate for Mylo for a long time, and now that we finally have the space and a landlord that will allow it, we can finally go ahead - yay!! We get to go and pick up pup tomorrow evening. We've not seen him for three weeks now and we have missed him like crazy. Mylo and J are especially close and I know J missed him mega masses, so I'll have two happy, contented boys in bed with me tomorrow night.

I am tragically excited by the prospect of sleeping in my own bed tomorrow night. It's been over a month, and as a shift worker and a sleep-o-holic my bed is one of my favoritest places in the world. It's where sleep and sex happen, often one after the other. What can there be to criticise about that set up, as there's only one thing I love more than sleep ;o) ...ok, maybe more than one thing but you know what I mean. I'm working a night shift right now so the prospect of climbing into my own bed tomorrow super tired and relaxed is absolute bliss. Plus the prospect of not having to live out of suitcases and handwash the 5 pairs of underwear that I took back to the UK every few nights, or using hotel towels which seem determined to be rough as a badgers arse and *small* is extremely appealing. My body wrapped in a white towel that doesn't quite cover everything...definately a look I can live without ;o)

More than anything else right now I just feel happy and grateful. I am so ridiculously blessed. My world is filled with people that I love. We've had amazing support from family through this, especially J's parents. As far as I'm concerned, whatever the whole West Vancouver experience ends up costing us is irrelevant, we dodged a huge feisty blonde bullet and I'm just pleased she showed her true colours as quickly as she did. We have found a home that is far more suitable, and where I think we will be very happy. There is room for us to flex all our various kink muscles and set up all kinds of different play space and create different moods. It's going to allow us to entertain and have parties, as well as creating the opportunity for us both to have our own spaces to make our mark on. I feel extremely lucky that after a rough few weeks, everything is falling into place so well.

To anyone that's listened to my moaning and griping over the past few weeks, I thank you. I know I've not always been a treat to be around and that at points I've been short or snappish or just in a general bad mood. I know my blog posts have been more dull, moody and just more beneign than usual but if nothing else it's provided me a forum to occasionally vent and rant. You've all stuck with me and given me the space to sulk and stomp at times without allowing me the opportunity to wallow or become meladramatic. You've all helped me keep my emotions in line and remain focused on the main goal of finding a new place to live. With all the help, support, love and kidness we've received we have managed to wrap this whole thing up in under a month. Granted, it's looking like the West Vancouver landlord may well pursue court action but I'm honestly not concerned. What will be, will be. I'm holding onto my faith in Karma with both hands and waiting to see what comes our way. For now it's big smiles all round.

Love you xxx :o) xxx

Passions

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans flames.
Francois de la rochefouca

Fingers Crossed

Subject to references we've found a new place. We meet the new landlord on Tuesday to sign contracts and get the keys. We've got four more nights in a hotel sorted (with a hot tub, that makes me *smile*) then we can move in on Wednesday. I am back in work tomorrow so hopefully I can get rid of my shift on Wednesday night and help the boy move all our things from storage in West Vancouver. I'm not going to claim it's been the easiest few weeks but it makes me realise how good we are together and how strong we are as a couple. We've stood by one another and got through a tricky time as a team, continuously laughing and smiling. I'm extremely proud of us, and think we deserved a little bit of good karma to come our way. Thanks again you-know-verse. As always, I'm eternally grateful :o)

It's finally here!

So the big day has finally arrived. J is off having breakfast with all the other groomsmen before getting ready at his brothers house. He left with his dad at 10am and I am just milling around the hotel room twiddling my thumbs. It's weird how lonely I feel. I'm just so used to being around people all the time, especially J, I miss him already and miss my puppy too. A room without a dog just doesn't feel right. Hope he's doing ok back 'home' ;o)

I moan pretty regularly about not having any time to myself to do my own thing and now that I have it, I don't know what to do! No decent internet access doesn't really help. Laptops and ipads become glorified paper weights without the internet!! I've had my shower and am sat at the desk in my towel putting off the next stage of the proceedings (make-up and hair). I've never been a very girlie girl, so I have always been pretty lazy with both of these aspects of my daily routine and look i.e. I wear my hair tied back and I don't wear make-up. I'm just not very good at the whole beauty routine. Fingers crossed I don't turn up looking like a circus clown!

OK's I'd better go and see what I can do....wish me luck :o)

Emotional roller coaster

I'm realizing more and more that I don't have very much patience. I'm not sure weather this is something that is getting worse as I get older (quite possibly) or if this has always been the case but what I know for certain is that you really don't have long with me to make a good impression. People tend to have to work very hard to un-do a poor first impression, music generally has about 10 seconds before I skip to the next track, TV and Movies will get 15-30 minutes depending on just how lame they are but unless you've really grabbed my attention in some way...skip...move on. I fully appreciate that this sounds obscenely harsh and that I may well be missing out on worthwhile experiences and relationships but I appear to be willing to take the risk. I try really hard to keep it under wraps and be more moderate but that just isn't me. I know this side of me frustrates J immensely as he is one of the most even tempered people I know, but the more I try and keep it under control, the more infuriated I seem to get. I wish I was a bit more fair and moderate but it just doesn't seem to be the way my head works. I guess it's one side of me that's a little more stereotypically female.

The combination of being a more selfish person as well as a more emotional person is not really serving me well. To be totally honest I don't really see myself as a particularly selfish person, in fact generally I tend to think of others a little more but I'm married to a ridiculously selfless man who continuously thinks of others before himself, even in the most stressful and trialing situations for himself. So whilst I may not be selfish, I am, without doubt the most selfish person within our relationship and at times this can be really quite a tricky situation, and leaves me always fighting from a position that's much more 'all about me' and much less about others, which at times makes me feel pretty shitty. When my personal circumstances are more difficult, my ability to put others first massively depletes and to be honest I think this is acceptable. I don't believe I ask for special treatment or to be treated differently by other people but they will receive a lower level of attention, time and commitment from me whilst my mind and emotions are focused a little on my own problems. Will I still help you? Absolutely. Will you get the levels of time and attention that you normally would? Probably not, and if you push for more from me then I'm gonna be on a short fuse which is just not pleasant for anyone concerned.

As I said above, this current climate is just not serving me well. I feel pressured at times to be more selfless than is in my nature. Would it be nicer if I was more able to put others first, whatever my circumstances? Of course. But I guess the reality is that I'm just not quite as easy going as I like to think I am. I have a tendency to back myself into tricky corners, agreeing to do things that I'm not really able to commit to at that point in time. Within no time it can be too late and my time and attention is required in a project that I just don't want to be a big part of, resulting in my mood (when I'm in an environment where I feel free to fully vent) being moody and stroppy, leaving J feeling like he's riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster with me. I am not in any way, shape or form blaming him. I need to be better and stronger at saying no or at least limiting my input. If I need some time for myself, that's allowed. If I don't put myself first at points, am I ever going to be able to give people the time and attention they deserve from me when they need it?