This is not where I thought my life would be the year I turn 30. I thought I would be sorted. I thought that both physically and psychologically I would be healthy. I thought that I would be a mother. I thought that my career would have some good solid direction and drive behind it. I thought that my relationships would be strong and soulful. I thought I would know who I am and what I want for my future, and instead I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the person looking back at me neither in body nor in spirit. I have no idea what I'm doing.
My behavior is unexplainable. I remain capable of hurting people I claim to love then when pushed for an explanation I do little more than sit in complete silence. I feel like a coward. To sit and realise I'm the emotionally immature idiot that I criticise so many people for being is beyond harsh. Reality is such a bitch. My thinking is scattered. My self esteem is in my boots. I've lived in Vancouver for nearly four years and yet still have no real friends to speak of. I constantly feel overwhelmed and rather than proactively trying to work through my feelings, instead, I allow them to engulf me and loose my head space into a black hole of vacancy. My sleep is haunted by nightmares. My eating and drinking habits are self destructive and instead of changing them I actively choose to engage in them. I am a mess.
My marriage is hanging by a thread and I am consumed with guilt that I don't know how to process. I've done nothing but hurt people that I care about. My dog avoids me. I have no idea weather I share my problems with my family in the hope they will care and want to help, or if exposing a crack just means they'll go and fetch the pic axe! I feel weak, vulnerable, lonely and above all sorry. I am so so sorry. I don't know what my problem is. I don't want to be the self indulgent moaner that sits and blogs about how hard she has it because I know that my life can be good and the damage is all completely my own doing. I wont be this person. I refuse to cause hurt and upset because I'm not grown up enough to know what the hell it is that I actually want out of life. I'm done being this person. I have to grow up.
