Realisations

It is always interesting when you have one of those crazy light bulb moments. More often than not no matter what the issue, you can't believe you never saw it before - whatever the specific 'it' on this occasion may be! I had my individual session with JdR today and had some break through moments. Sitting and talking about mum for basically the whole hour and realising what a negative person she has been for some time now was extremely eye opening. basically looking right back into my early teenage years I can now see quite clearly just how pessimistic, contrary and competitive she could be. JdR said I should feel proud of myself, that I've come out of my upbringing a positive and optimistic person, always (within reason!) looking for the good in others and trying wherever possible to help. I find moms constant downer on pretty much any news (that doesn't have a positive impact on her) extremely draining - not being able to share important or exciting events straight away for fear of how she will react, often knowing full well she just wont give me the reaction that I want to hear. To finally be able to look at my years at home ( as well as the ten years since then) and see just how much it has affected me is a huge relief. To be able to see it, accept it and move forward feels hugely practical and like a real step in the right direction. This is who she is (she's her mothers daughter and doesn't even see it herself) and she's not going to change any time soon. In time I just need to find a way to be ok with it, moving onwards and upwards.